• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone press 2 for you

• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want so please stay on the line so we can trace your call

• If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press nothing will make you happy anyway

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…if you have short-term memory loss, press 9…if you have short-term memory loss press 9

• If you have low self-esteem, please hand up our operators are too busy to talk to call