Most of us–over fifty percent of us–are people pleasers. We are conscientious, industrious, persevering citizens who possess the following traits:
- We have a difficult time saying “no.”
- We take on more and more tasks.
- We tend to base our self-worth on the opinions of others.
- We often feel tired, “burned-out” and overworked but we persist diligently because “somebody has to do it” or “the project must be done and done right.”
- We sometimes have difficulty scheduling vacations and keeping them.
- We seek harmony.
- We are joiners.
- We chair the Presbyterian Petunia Plucking Committee or the Rotary Rotund Reducers Exercise Club
Well… I may exaggerate a little bit here and there but you get the point. We are the worker bees and the harmonious helpers of the world.
Then we come face-to-face with people poopers and soon frustration reigns supreme. About 20%–that’s one in five–have a personality disorder that causes all sorts of problems for the rest of us. We sometimes find ourselves spending 80% of our time trying to help 20% of those who can’t be helped.
What can we do about this? The first step requires recognizing people poopers. Here are their characteristics:
- They are empty vessels that can’t be filled up. They demand more and more and are never satisfied.
- They refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior.
- They make excuses.
- They blame others for their problems.
- They tend to complain and whine.
- They don’t get sick. They make us sick. We get headaches, stomach aches and a weary feeling of despair if we are around them too much.
Here are some suggestions for managing our emotions when we are exposed to relatives who are people poopers:
- When we recognize a relative who is a people pooper realize that no matter how assiduously we try to please them we never will so we can avoid feeling guilty and frustrated by their demands.
- Severely limit our time with relative people poopers.
- Stop going “the extra mile.”
- We can say something like this to a relative people pooper, “Dad, I’m sorry I can’t please you but I’m doing the best I can.” This statement won’t work, but it might help you feel better about the situation.
- Here’s a statement that may work if repeated often enough. We can say something like this, “Uncle Frank I notice that you do best when you are around other people. Let’s see if there is an apartment in the Sun City Retirement Community where you can join all the fun there.” Of course, they will respond with, “You are just trying to get rid of me.” We can counter with, “I want you to be happy and fulfilled.” Then leave. Get out of there. Don’t stay around for the whining, temper tantrum, plate throwing arguments.
- We only frustrate ourselves when we try to change our relative because people poopers never change and they are never reasonable.
Now… what do we do when we meet a people pooper at work, club or church:
- Avoid them. You may think, that doesn’t sound like a Christian. I agree. It sounds like a sane Christian. The only way we can help a people pooper is through prayer. Pray for Holy Spirit intervention. Only God can help them.
- Refer them to the pastor.
- Ignore them.
- Don’t have lunch with them, etc, etc.
If we do not protect our time no one else will. We must save our energy for those people and projects that merit our devotion.