I asked my thirty-something friend how his life was going. His reply “Good. My spiritual life is solid. My wife and I love and support each other. I am improving as a parent. I’m enjoying my work.”
Wow! My young friend certainly has his priorities straight. At thirty I had no clue. I walked around saying, “What’s happening?”I sort of stumbled through early marriage; parenting discombobulated me. How our children turned out to be well-adjusted, successful adults confirms my belief in God’s grace.
The encounter with my young friend made me grateful for the correct things Vicki and I discovered about parenting and reminded me where I fell short. Here are five things I wish I had done better:
- Made God the center of our lives. We took our kids to Sunday School, read them Bible stories, prayed at the dinner table, and the bedside but had no depth of conviction and mentioned God only in passing. We were lukewarm Christians. I wish we would have discussed God more, prayed more fervently and spent more time in personal Bible study. Much later Deuteronomy 6: 5-7 became one of my favorite verses: Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
- Praised effort, not achievement. I emphasized success, winning, being top in the class. I had to learn that some kids were more talented, smarter and prettier than mine. I learned to appreciate essence and uniqueness. Praise for achievement makes kids fear failure, tends to make kids tense and breeds perfection seeking adults who make themselves and others miserable. Praise for effort builds confidence, develops fearless go-getters and encourages perseverance. Rather than empty praise these kind of words are better:
- Give it your very best!
- Your 100% effort pleased me very much.
- You struck out with the bases loaded, but you swung with all your might. Keep swinging.
- Keep giving it your best. That’s all you can ask of yourself
- Your Mom and I are pleased with your giving it your very best.
- You can hold your head high when you do the best you can do.
- Been less effusive with praise. Effusive praise diminishes effort. Why would a child give it their best if they know they are going to receive praise for just showing up. Praise for nothing spoils a child.
- Been more consistent with discipline. I didn’t make clear rules, nor did I establish clear discipline for breaking the rules. Posting expectations, rules and regulations and punishment for breaking the rules is a good idea. Rewarding good behavior produces good citizenship.
- Talked less, acted more. Kids ignore long lectures; they pay attention to our actions. If we don’t follow through with what we say we are going to do kids keep doing what they shouldn’t. Be firm. Keep promises.
As I was writing all the parenting traits I could have improved on I thought of some of the things Vicki and I did right.
- We were very affectionate. We gave butterfly kisses and hugged—a lot. We still hug. Our actions showed that Vicki and I loved each other and our children.
- We had fun together. We laughed together. We played together. We didn’t take ourselves too seriously.
- We kept our kids inside the white lines by giving them enough latitude to learn from their mistakes while disallowing them to break the rules of society. We did not overprotect or hover over them. We encouraged independence and risk taking. We insisted, however, that they put on a parachute before jumping off a cliff. Here were our three rules for our teenage kids:
- Don’t do anything that would hurt someone, embarrass us or seriously injure you.
- No drugs or alcohol.
- Nothing good happens after midnight.
In my view the chief aim of parents is to develop children into God-trusting, law-abiding, honest, fun-loving, and resourceful adults who feel confident to follow their dreams. To paraphrase Khalil Gibran: We are the bows from which our children as living arrows are sent forth.