When I asked my forty-something friend how his life was going, he replied, “These two teenagers are giving Judy and me fits.”

I countered with a nod, “Parenting is a crap shoot. I’ve seen the best parents end up with drug abusing, lazy, clinging kids and I’ve seen alcoholic, indolent, milk-toast parents end up with successful, loving and confident adults. Go figure.”

Whenever I give my two teenage granddaughters advice, they charge me $1 a minute. Not wanting to miss a chance to pontificate I gave my younger friend an abundance of unsolicited advice.

My friend’s glassy-eyed stare told me he had rather hear a lecture on the postmodern philosophy of Jacques Derrida than listen to my guidelines. I pressed on, nonetheless.

“The five things I wish I had done better begins with this: I wish I had made God central in our lives. We took our kids to Sunday School, read them Bible stories, prayed at the dinner table and the bedside but had no depth of conviction. We were lukewarm Christians. Much later Deuteronomy 6:5-7 became one of my favorite verses: Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

“I also wish that I had praised effort, not achievement. Praise for achievement makes kids fear failure, and breeds perfection seeking adults who make themselves and others miserable. Praise for effort builds confidence, develops fearless go-getters and encourages perseverance. Rather than empty praise these words build confidence and character: 

• Give it your very best!
• Your 100% effort pleased me very much.
• You struck out with the bases loaded, but you swung with all your might. Keep swinging.
• Keep giving it your best. That’s all you can ask of yourself
• Your Mom and I are pleased with your giving it your very best.
• You can hold your head high when you do the best you can do.

“I wish I had been less effusive with praise. Effusive praise diminishes effort. Why would a child give it their best if they know they are going to receive praise for just showing up. Praise for nothing spoils a child.

I wish I had been more consistent with discipline. I didn’t make clear rules, nor did I establish clear discipline for breaking the rules. Posting expectations, rules and regulations and punishment for breaking the rules is a good idea. Rewarding good behavior produces good citizenship. 

I wish I had talked less, acted more. Kids ignore long lectures; they pay attention to our actions. If we don’t follow through with what we say we are going to have kids keep doing what they shouldn’t. Be firm. Keep promises.    

My friend vigorously nodded his head up and down with this last piece of advice. It never occurred to me that he was encouraging me to shut-up. So I continued to babble. My words may have been unencumbered by humility; nonetheless here are some suggestions for good parenting:

• Vicki and I were affectionate. We gave butterfly kisses and hugged—a lot. We still hug. Our actions showed that Vicki and I loved each other and our children.
• We had fun together. We laughed together. We played together. We didn’t take ourselves too seriously.
• We kept our kids inside the white lines by giving them enough latitude to learn from their mistakes while disallowing them to break the rules of society.
• We did not overprotect or hover over them.
• We encouraged independence and risk taking. We insisted, however, that they put on a parachute before jumping off a cliff.
• Here were our three rules for our teenage kids:

1. Don’t do anything that would hurt someone, embarrass us or seriously injure you.
2. No drugs or alcohol.
3. Nothing good happens after midnight.

Parenting is tough. There are no easy answers. Parenting is all about flying-by-the-seat-of-your-pants adjustments All parents make mistakes, but most children are resilient and will be able to thrive despite our inadequacies.

In my view the chief aim of parents is to develop children into God-trusting, law-abiding, fun-loving, honest, resourceful and confident adults who follow their dreams.

So parents: Don’t fret the small stuff–relax, enjoy, have fun, love. You will miss them when they are gone.