A good friend of mine became concerned about his wife’s tendency toward irritating interrogations of friends and family. “She is the grand inquisitor,” he said.

Understanding that his wife’s hubris covered a failure to trust induced by childhood abandonment, I made these comments:

It’s not the questions, it’s how they’re asked. Disconsolate people fail to conceive that arrogant queries quince the spirit and convivial questions build rapport. Thus their attitude increases feelings of loneliness. They become more cheerless, churlish, cranky, crabby and cantankerous. 

The cure: kind, gentle warmth, awarding the good while ignoring the atrocious. Praise good behavior and it will increase; ignore bad behavior and it will diminish. 

Understanding the origins of behavior encourages empathy allowing us to replace our retaliation response with benevolence. This isn’t easy. Responding to pomposity with compassion is difficult. Our ability to do so depends on our belief that kind correction changes attitudes.